Badgers, Billionaires & Bullshit

    Alright, settle down, settle down. Or don't. What do I care? You’re probably reading this on the toilet, aren't you? The only place anyone gets any real thinking done these days. The porcelain throne room, the last bastion of analog contemplation before your neuralink kicks back in with the morning's mandatory dose of sunshine.

    Speaking of which, did you get your "National Optimism Initiative" ping yet? Straight from the government, bless their centrally-planned hearts. AI-generated daily affirmations, folks. "You are a productive cog!" "Compliance is contentment!" "Your data footprint is a testament to your engagement!" My implant told me this morning, "Today is a gift, that's why they call it the present... and also, please report any unregulated thoughts to Sector 7G." I almost choked on my nutrient paste. Optimism. They think they can *schedule* optimism. Like it's a goddamn software update for the soul. "We've noticed your serotonin levels are 8% below acceptable parameters for a compliant citizen. Here, have a digital pat on the head, and don't forget to smile for the sidewalk cameras, it boosts the algorithm!" What a crock of synthesized shit.

    And while we're being force-fed joy by a server farm in a bunker somewhere, where are the architects of our glorious future? Oh, they're packing their bags. Our good friend, billionaire number… what is he, six or seven on the list? Let’s call him Astro-Midas. Old Astro-Midas just announced he's colonizing one of Jupiter's moons. Not Ganymede, not Europa, not one of the *good* moons. No, he's picked some barren, pockmarked shithole that looks like God's acne scar. Why? Because, and I quote, Earth has an "increasingly unfavorable business climate." Unfavorable! You mean the climate where you have to occasionally pretend to pay taxes? The climate where you can't just dump your rocket fuel in a public park anymore without some busybody complaining? The *horror*. So he's off to establish a new frontier of zero-gravity tax evasion, leaving the rest of us here to enjoy the "favorable climate" of mandatory cheerfulness and slightly radioactive tap water. Good riddance, you bald-headed space cadet. Don't let the asteroid belt hit you on the ass on your way out. Maybe he can take the Kardashians with him. Call it "Keeping Up With the Kuiper Belt."

    Though, they'd probably miss "Influencer Island Eviction." Did you see that? Record viewership! Some halfwit in a bikini made of recycled coffee pods – because, you know, *sustainability* – accidentally torched her own luxury eco-pod trying to film a viral dance challenge involving a flaming cocktail and what appeared to be a live badger. A *live badger*, folks. For the clicks. And people watched. Millions of them. Glued to their screens, watching this monument to curated stupidity go up in smoke. This is our culture now. We don't build pyramids, we don't write symphonies, we watch spray-tanned morons set themselves on fire for fifteen seconds of fame. And we call it entertainment. Nero fiddled while Rome burned; we're live-streaming our own decline with a sponsored hashtag. #EcoFail #BadgerBae #SendRescueDrone.

    But don't worry, the important people are on the case. The real thinkers. They just wrapped up the Global Summit on 'Sustainable Digital Economies.' Sounds impressive, doesn't it? Sustainable! Digital! Economies! Three words that mean absolutely nothing when strung together by a roomful of people in tailored suits who flew in on private jets. And what was their groundbreaking conclusion after a week of canapés and PowerPoint presentations? They've agreed to form a committee. A *committee*, folks! To discuss forming a *sub-committee*. Which will then, presumably, schedule future talks about the possibility of maybe, someday, considering a plan. Sustainable! It’s like they’re trying to bore climate change into submission. "Oh God, another meeting? Fine, I'll stop melting the ice caps, just make the memos stop!" Meanwhile, the planet’s got a fever, and these clowns are arguing about the font size on the agenda for the pre-meeting coffee break.

    And what are we doing while all this monumental inaction is taking place? We’re staring at our fucking screens. New study out – you probably read the headline on your phone while simultaneously scrolling through your social feed on your tablet with a news podcast piped into your earbuds. The average person now spends 78% of their waking hours interacting with a screen. Seventy-eight percent! Another 5% complaining about how much time they spend on screens. And a whopping 2% actually doing something about it. Like, I don’t know, maybe looking out a fucking window? At a tree? Remember trees? Those green things that don’t require a login? But no, we're too busy cultivating our digital personas, arguing with strangers about shit that doesn't matter, and watching badgers almost become barbecue.

    It’s a beautiful system, isn't it? They beam "optimism" into our skulls, the rich bugger off to space when things get "unfavorable," we distract ourselves with flaming morons, and the people in charge form committees to discuss the color of the biodegradable napkins at the next pointless summit. And we just… scroll. And click. And consume.

    You know, sometimes I think the only truly honest piece of technology we’ve invented is the "Are you still watching?" prompt on streaming services. It’s the only time the machine looks back at you and says, "Really? Still? Don't you have, like, a life to not live or something?"

    Nah. Just one more episode. One more scroll. One more AI-generated affirmation telling me I’m a valuable part of this perfectly sustainable digital train wreck.

    Thanks for reading. Now go wash your hands and try not to think too hard about any of it. It’s bad for the algorithm.