MSRC: Ministry of Screwing Researchers (And Ignoring Big Fucking Holes)


   I got a story for ya, fresh from the digital trenches, the land of bits, bytes, and bureaucratic bullshit. This ain't about some schmohawk trying to get a free toaster, no. This is about a guy, a professional mind you, who finds a gaping, bleeding wound in the side of the Microsoft behemoth – Teams, Skype, the whole goddamn shebang – and tries to tell the giant, "Hey, you're leaking vital fluids, and the sharks are circling!"

  So, this fella, Piergiorgio (sounds like a Renaissance painter, but he’s painting with vulnerability code) he sends a nice little note on March 6th. "Hey, Microsoft," he says, real polite, "I found a couple of… let's call 'em 'oopsie-daisies' in your ICE server setup. Like, 'anyone can walk in and grab the keys to the kingdom' kind of oopsie. I'm withholding the exact recipe for disaster until we can have a grown-up, secure chat, maybe discuss a little 'thank you for saving your ass' bounty, wink-wink, nudge-nudge."

  And what does the Microsoft Security Response Center, the MSRC, the digital Knights Templar, say? An auto-notification! "Thank you for contacting us. Your report has been received." Click. Whirr. Like a goddamn vending machine acknowledging you just fed it your last dollar for a bag of stale chips!

  This Piergiorgio, he’s got a bit of spark, see? He immediately types back, "Note: I need to interact with a HUMAN being and not automated answers! This issue is extremely important and critical." You can almost hear the italics screaming, can’t ya? "A HUMAN, you silicon-hearted bastards!"

  So, the next day, another email from the MSRC. "We've opened a case! MSRC Case 95658! Ain't that special? Please keep this confidential. Oh, and if you’re thinking of telling the world how we left the front door, the back door, and all the goddamn windows open, give us at least two weeks to, you know, pretend we knew about it all along." Standard procedure, folks! Standard corporate CYA – Cover Your Ass-ets!

  Then they say, "Please share the reproduction steps so that we can investigate." Our boy Piergiorgio, he comes back, patient as a saint dealing with a particularly dim-witted cherub. "Look," he says, "I appreciate you opening the case. I'll keep schtum. However... in my extensive experience with other giants like LG, Samsung, the grown-up companies? We usually sign a little something-something, an NDA, a bounty agreement, before I hand over the keys to my brain, my research, my sole source of income." Can you feel the quiet desperation? "This ain't a hobby, you digital overlords! This is how I buy my goddamn pasta!"

  He even throws 'em a bone, a "gesture of good faith," a little taste of the exploit script output. "See? Look at the pretty credentials I got with no password! It's like your server is an unattended candy store for hackers!"

  Then, silence… until March 12th. "Hello, Thank you for the information below. Our team will look at this and get back to you as soon as possible." More digital Muzak! "We're looking! Don't you worry your pretty little head about it!"

  And then, March 14th. The punchline, folks! Oh, it’s a goddamn knee-slapper! "Hello, We were not able to reproduce the issue you reported to us and as per SDL bug bar, this is not a vulnerability. We have closed this case."

  "NOT A VULNERABILITY!" Can you believe this shit?! The guy practically handed them a map to the hole in their digital dike, and they said, "What hole? We don't see a hole! Our bug bar, which is apparently set lower than a snake’s belly in a drainage ditch, says it’s fine!" Case closed! Bam! Like a judge slamming the gavel on a guy trying to report his own impending murder!

  Piergiorgio, God bless his persistent Italian soul, he loses it a little. "Did anybody read what I wrote? I am waiting for someone to contact me about this. By anybody, I mean some HUMAN with an I.Q. over 100..." Oh, you gotta love that. He’s not asking for much, is he? Just a sentient being on the other end! He follows up, more formally, "I'm surprised and concerned. With over 30 years of security experience… I can assure you this issue has serious implications." He’s practically begging them, "Please, let me show you how catastrophically fucked you are before some pimply teenager in Estonia does it for shits and giggles!"

  He even says, "Closing this prematurely risks overlooking a flaw that could be abused at scale, impacting Microsoft's users and reputation." He’s trying to save their reputation, and they're treating him like he’s trying to sell them an extended car warranty!

  The email chain, folks, it's a masterpiece of corporate sidestepping and a researcher's mounting, righteous fury. MSRC chimes in on March 21st, "Thank you so much for sharing your concerns with us. There are humans behind our responses, and we apologize that those responses were unclear." Oh, now there are humans! Were they on a coffee break for the first two weeks? "We were unable to reproduce your findings given the information we initially received. We will need clear reproduction steps..." It’s like they’re stuck in a goddamn loop! Groundhog Day, but with more automated responses!

  Piergiorgio, on March 22nd, bless his cotton socks, tries again: "Perhaps you didn't fully read my previous messages (please do). You will be able to reproduce (and fix) the vulnerabilities I found... only after contacting me and discuss the matter and then, after signing an NDA protected contract..." He’s spelling it out for them! Like explaining object permanence to a particularly stubborn infant! "'We were unable to reproduce your findings' only means to me that you did NOT read my messages or that you are NOT a functional human being (no offense)." No offense! He’s a goddamn diplomat, this guy!

  This dance, this digital tango of tedium, goes on. Piergiorgio keeps saying, "Let's agree on the rules of engagement, the value of my work, then I give you the full monty." Microsoft keeps saying, "Send us everything first, then we'll see if it fits our 'bug bar' and maybe, just maybe, you'll get a cookie from the bounty jar."

  Finally, on April 6th, our hero lays out a beautiful, structured plan: Mutual NDA. High-level tech discussion. Bounty Agreement. Then full PoC. Like a civilized goddamn transaction between professionals! He’s not asking for the moon, he’s asking for a process that doesn’t involve him getting financially reamed for doing them a colossal favor!

  He ends one of his last messages with, "My current impasse reflects the need for Microsoft to engage in a discussion about a formal agreement..." You hear that? It's the sound of a man who's done his damnedest to play by rules that respect his work, running headfirst into a corporate wall that only understands one thing: its own goddamn process, no matter how stupid or counterproductive it is!

  So, there you have it. A security researcher with critical information, trying to get a multi-billion-dollar corporation to listen, to act reasonably, to maybe even say "thank you" with something more than an automated email. It’s a comedy, it’s a tragedy, it’s a goddamn symptom of the times, folks! Where the humans trying to help are drowned out by the incessant, idiotic hum of the machines and the policies they blindly enforce! Makes you wanna unplug the whole damn thing, doesn't it?

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