This week in the news

   Alright, folks, settle in, try to get comfortable, though I don’t know why you’d bother. It’s another week in the grand American experiment, May 2025, and the hits just keep on comin’. It’s like a septic tank backing up into a fan factory, and they’re telling you it’s just an “aromatic redistribution event.”

   You look at the news – or what they call news, this pre-chewed, officially-sanctioned pabulum they feed you – and what do you see? Well, let’s talk about our favorite recurring character, shall we? The man, the myth, the walking, talking, ego-fueled headline generator: Donald J. Trump. Still out there, still makin’ waves, still convincing a whole lotta people that the water he’s pissin’ in is actually a delightful champagne.

   So, this week’s chapter in the never-ending saga: the man gets a jet. A G-I-F-T-E-D jet! From Qatar, no less. The Qatari Prime Minister, bless his oil-soaked heart, says it’s all just a “very simple government to government dealing.” Simple! Like finding a Faberge egg in your Happy Meal! You know what’s simple? A goddamn bribe is simple! A quid pro quo is simple! What the hell do you think a “gifted jet” is, folks? A very large, very fast, gold-plated thank-you note for services yet to be rendered, or services already rendered under the table, over the table, and probably on top of the table while a string quartet plays “Money, Money, Money!”

    “Oh no,” they say, “it’s just a gesture of goodwill!” Goodwill? The only goodwill involved is the good will of the donor when the Donald remembers who buttered his goddamn airborne bread!

   And while he’s contemplating which gold faucets to install on his new flying palace, he’s still out there playing Global Thermonuclear Peacemaker. “Nothing’s going to happen” with Russia and Ukraine “until Putin and I get together.” Holy. Jumping. Christ. The fate of nations, the lives of millions, all hanging on whether these two guys can schedule a frickin’ coffee klatch! It’s not diplomacy, folks, it’s a goddamn ego-jousting tournament with the planet as the fucking tilt-yard! “Don’t worry your little heads about it, peasants, me and Vlad, we’ll sort it. Once we decide whose turn it is to pick up the check for the apocalypse.” He might even pop over to Turkey tomorrow, you know, if he feels the vibes are right. The geopolitical stability of the world, dependent on the whims of a guy whose attention span makes a gnat look like a chess grandmaster.

   And what about back here in the land of the supposedly free? Well, while The Donald’s got his “little problem” with the CEO of Apple because, God forbid, Apple might make phones in India – oh, the humanity! – his brilliant tariff ideas are working their magic. Walmart, good old Walmart, pillar of the community, purveyor of plastic crap from every corner of the globe, is warning they’re gonna have to raise prices. Shocking! Who could have foreseen that making things more expensive to import would make things… wait for it… more expensive to buy! It’s economic genius, I tell ya! It’s like trying to put out a fire with a goddamn flamethrower because, hey, fire fights fire, right? The fat cats get fatter, their jets get gifted, and you get to pay more for your goddamn tube socks and your Chinese-made American flags.

   Meanwhile, over in the hallowed halls of Congress, or what passes for them, you got Senator Hawley, bless his populist little heart, callin’ out a MAGA bill as “reverse class warfare.” Cutting Medicaid, “taxes the poor to give to the rich.” Well, knock me over with a feather! A Republican figuring out that Republican policies tend to screw the poor! What’s next? Water is wet? The Pope shits in the woods? It’s a rare moment of accidental honesty in a system designed to fuck you from behind while telling you you’re enjoying a stimulating prostate massage.

   And don’t even get me started on the Supreme Court. Justice Kagan actually had to say to one of Trump’s lawyers, “Let’s assume you’re dead wrong.” That’s where we are, folks. The highest court in the land, and one of the arguments is, “Okay, pretend for a second your entire premise isn’t Grade-A, 100% USDA Prime Bullshit.” It’s not jurisprudence, it’s a fucking intervention!

   So, yeah. Trump’s flying high on a gifted jet, ready to solve all the world’s problems as long as he’s the center of attention, his tariffs are making sure you can’t afford to live, and his own party members are occasionally blurting out the truth about who’s really getting screwed.

   It’s the same old song, folks. The table is tilted. The game is rigged. And they’re all in on it. The owners, the politicians, the deal-makers with their gifted jets. They got you running in circles, worried about nonsense, while they’re divvying up the spoils.

   And they call this a country? It’s a goddamn reality show, and you’re the sucker paying the subscription fee every April 15th. Don’t forget to tune in next week, folks. It’s bound to be even more ridiculous.