The Snail and the Apocalypse (Today's News)

    So, I was looking at the… the "news" today. I use that term loosely. It's not really news anymore, is it? It's the daily disaster report. It’s the box score for the home team, Team Fucked. And folks, let me tell you, Team Fucked is on a winning streak.

    Let's start with the big leagues. The international pissing contest. In Kyiv, Russia is lobbing missiles into apartment buildings again. Nineteen dead, four of them kids. They call this "the vendetta of Moscow." Oh, what a fancy name for blowing up children. It's not a vendetta, it's a temper tantrum with a budget. And what's our response? More meetings. More sanctions. We're gonna sanction them so hard, Putin might have to switch to a slightly less expensive brand of caviar before he signs the next order to turn a Ukrainian shopping mall into a crater.

    Meanwhile, in the other sandbox, Israel is getting ready for a big party in Gaza City. They're telling everyone to leave. The U.N. is wringing its hands. And Tony Blair, you remember him, right? The poodle? He's at the White House with Jared Kushner, pitching a "commercial hub and resort" for Gaza. A fucking resort! Can you believe the balls on these people? They haven't even finished counting the bodies and they're already planning the timeshare condos. "Come to the Gaza Riviera! Enjoy our beautiful beaches, now with 30% less rubble! Don't mind the ghosts, they're just part of the local color." It's the ultimate capitalist wet dream: turn a war zone into a tourist trap.

    And don't worry, the U.N. is on top of it. They've just voted to pull their peacekeepers out of Lebanon. Mission accomplished, I guess! "Well, folks, it's been a lovely 50 years of not keeping the peace. We feel the area has finally achieved a stable level of utter chaos, so our work here is done. Good luck with the rockets!"

    It's just another day at the office for the human race. And while the big boys are playing Risk with real people, what are the rest of us schmucks worried about? Well, in the UK, there's a funeral home that was keeping dead babies in strollers in front of the television. That's your headline. Not "society has failed its most vulnerable," but "hey, at least the dead kids got to see the morning shows." And what's the counterpoint to this festival of horrors? The same day, there's a nationwide appeal in New Zealand to find a mate for a lonely snail. A snail! His shell is backwards, so he can't fuck the other snails. This is a national crisis! Get this snail laid! Forget the 19 dead in Kyiv, forget the impending bloodbath in Gaza, a snail in New Zealand has blue balls and the whole country is on high alert!

    Do you see the fucking disconnect here?! We are a species that will prop up a dead baby in front of a TV, but we'll move heaven and earth to solve the romantic problems of a gastropod. That's us. That's the human portfolio, right there.

    And how do we deal with this spiritual gangrene? With toys! New toys! Look! A new smartphone that folds! Isn't that amazing? Now you can be twice as depressed in a more compact format. And Google's got a new phone with AI that becomes "truly intelligent." Oh, great. Just what I need. A phone that's smart enough to know I'm an idiot. A phone that'll listen to me talking to myself and then order a goddamn straitjacket for me on Amazon. Speaking of which, Amazon is celebrating 15 years in Italy! Fifteen years of convincing people they need a pineapple slicer and a singing fish delivered by a drone in under an hour.

    It's all a distraction. It's a digital circus to keep you from noticing that the whole world is a fucking burning clown car careening into a brick wall. And the clowns are us.

    Look at the political geniuses we've got. In France, a celebrity chef is retiring after his ex-girlfriend accused him of domestic abuse. A chef! The guy who makes the pretty food hit a woman. Surprise, surprise. Any guy who spends eight hours arranging a single pea on a plate has some serious anger management issues. And in the U.S., Trump's fired his new health director after less than a month. Less than a month! Her milk has a longer shelf life. He's putting people in charge of the nation's health who couldn't be trusted to water a fucking houseplant.

    But don't worry, folks. It’s all going to be okay. Just buy something. Go on your phone, find a politician to yell at online, and then check out the story about the lonely snail. It'll make you feel better. It’ll make you feel like you care about something. And that’s the whole point, isn't it? The feeling, the illusion that you're a good person in a world gone mad.

    Well, I've got news for you. The world isn't going mad. It's always been this way. We've just got better cameras now. We can broadcast our own stupidity in high definition, 24 hours a day, right into the palm of your hand. And that, my friends, is what they call progress. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go check on my snail. I think he's feeling a little lonely.