THE GLOBAL ASYLUM: A STATUS REPORT



    So, I’ve been looking at the news. I know, I know. It’s a bad habit. It’s like picking a scab to see if the infection has reached the bone yet. And let me tell you, folks, the bone is showing.

    We have reached a level of absurdity that is so pure, so refined, it’s almost beautiful. It’s high-grade, pharmaceutical-quality nonsense.

    First off, let’s look at the United Kingdom. The land of stiff upper lips and bad dentistry has officially lost its mind. The government released a report on "eco-anxiety." That’s the new buzzword. "Eco-anxiety." That’s the clinical term for realizing that the planet is trying to shake us off like a bad case of fleas. And what is the government’s solution for the youth who are terrified that the sky is falling?

Yoga.

    That’s right. Yoga and "Climate Cafés."

    The ice caps are melting, the rivers are flooding, the birds are choking on plastic straws, and the Ministry of Bullshit suggests you get into the "Downward Dog" position. Because nothing stops a Category 5 hurricane like a good stretch and a cup of herbal tea. It’s not a crisis, folks; it’s just a lack of *mindfulness*. If you breathe deeply enough, you won’t notice you’re underwater.

    And while the British are trying to "Namaste" their way out of the apocalypse, look at what’s happening in Washington.

    The circus is back in town! Donald Trump is hosting the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia. The Dealmaker and the Bone Saw. And who else is at the table? Elon Musk and… Cristiano Ronaldo?

    What the hell is that? That’s not a state dinner; that’s a fantasy football league for megalomaniacs. They’re sitting there, carving up the world like a Thanksgiving turkey. Trump’s selling them F-35 jets—because nothing says "peace in the Middle East" like selling stealth fighters to a monarchy that chops up journalists.

    And Trump says, regarding the murder of Jamal Khashoggi, "Things happen."

"Things happen."

    That’s the new motto of the human race. "Things happen." We melted the polar ice caps? Things happen. We let a virus shut down the world? Things happen. We accidentally built a computer that’s smarter than us and wants to turn our skin into effortless packaging? Things happen.

    Speaking of computers, have you seen what the tech geniuses are up to? They’re building "biocomputers." Computers that run on *human neurons*. They are literally plugging human brain cells into circuit boards to save energy.

    Finally! We’ve solved the problem of artificial intelligence being too cold and logical. Now, your laptop can have an existential crisis! Now, your spreadsheet can get depressed! Now, your GPS can develop a substance abuse problem and drive you off a bridge!

    And why do we need these super-computers? So teenagers can talk to AI therapists. That’s the other big story. Half the kids in the world are using chatbots to treat their anxiety. Because human beings have become so toxic, so unavailable, so utterly self-absorbed, that a cold, unfeeling algorithm is considered a *better listener* than your own parents.

    The parents are too busy anyway. They’re on Instagram, screaming because the app went down for two hours. Did you see the panic? "Instagram is down! I can’t post my lunch! I can’t validate my existence with little red hearts from strangers!"

    Meanwhile, in Ukraine, they just busted a guy for a corruption scheme involving a golden toilet.

    A golden toilet.

    That is the perfect symbol for our species. It really is. We are in the middle of a war, people are dying in the mud, drones are blowing up apartment buildings, and some bureaucrat is sitting on a throne made of gold, taking a dump.

    It’s poetic. It’s the ultimate statement of human priorities. We will strip-mine the earth, poison the water, and kill our neighbors, just so one bald monkey can defecate on a precious metal.

    So, how am I doing? I’m doing fine. I’m sitting back, watching the show.

    The British are doing yoga in a flood.

    The Americans are selling fighter jets to murderers.

    The tech guys are enslaving brain cells.

    And the Ukrainians are pooping on gold.


The system isn’t broken, folks. It’s working exactly as intended. 

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