The news of the 1st of October 2026

Good evening, folks. Let’s talk about the news. Because the news is where they feed you fear, distraction, and horseshit, and you eat it up with a spoon. And I’m here to remind you: it’s all bullshit, and it’s bad for you.

So here’s one: a co‑pilot on a FlyDubai flight tries to crash the plane, stabs the captain, and the passengers tie him up with headphone cables. That’s your modern aviation safety system: Sony accessories. And Trump? He blames Iran. Of course he does. If a squirrel falls out of a tree in New Jersey, it’s Iran. Politicians love a scapegoat: keeps you scared, keeps the bombs flowing, keeps the defense contractors hard. And the best part? The passengers saved the day. Folks, if you’re flying in 2026, your life depends on whether the guy in 14B remembered to pack his Beats by Dre.

And Tennessee, God bless ’em, tried to kill a woman with lethal injection, twice, and she lived. Only in America do we screw up killing people. We can bomb brown people halfway across the world with a joystick, but we can’t get one woman to stop snoring on a gurney. And now they’re halting executions for the year. Good. Maybe next time they’ll try something humane, like a pillow fight. Or better yet, let her watch Congress for six hours; she’ll beg for the needle.

The Pentagon just announced a new command for autonomous killer robots. Killer robots! Finally, they admit what we all knew: they don’t want soldiers, they want PlayStation. War is now a video game, folks. And don’t worry, Elon Musk is on the advisory board. Great, the guy who can’t get Twitter to work is now in charge of death machines. Sleep tight. Pretty soon, wars will be fought entirely by drones, and the only casualty will be your Wi‑Fi connection.

And then you’ve got world leaders in Geneva patting themselves on the back for ‘historic progress’ on emissions. Historic progress means they signed a piece of paper and went out for cocktails. Meanwhile, the planet’s been through volcanoes, ice ages, and asteroid strikes. You think it’s worried about your plastic straws? The planet’s fine. The people are fucked. And the only thing these leaders are reducing is the size of their bar tab.

India beats Pakistan 4‑3 in hockey, and fans riot. Sports: the only place where nationalism is fun. India beats Pakistan, everyone cheers, and tomorrow they go back to hating each other for real. Bread and circuses, folks. Bread and circuses. Only now the bread is stale and the circus has a concussion protocol.

So there you have it: planes falling out of the sky, executions that don’t execute, robots that kill without coffee breaks, politicians saving the planet with cocktail napkins, and countries proving their manhood with hockey sticks. It’s all bullshit, folks. And it’s bad for you.

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